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When You Don't Know What to Do in a Sticky Situation

6/13/2016

 
Lately, I’m experiencing a new phenomenon, and I thank my lucky stars for it.
 
I'll be honest with you. In recent months, I've been dealing with the frustration--I mean, serious frustration--of “not knowing what to do” about sticky family problems and leadership decisions. And it hasn't always been pretty.

So I've been trying this new thing. I'm not sure why it works, but it's making a big difference for me, so I'm running with it!  

I call it "Active Resting."
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Teacher Dan Howard calls it “Intentional Resting,” and teaches it as a method of reducing stress and bringing healing to the body.

I learned it from my coaching mentor and teacher, Martha Beck. This quote from her arrived from in my mailbox a couple of months ago and not a moment too soon. I was at my wit's end with how to resolve a challenging (and increasingly frustrating) situation.

Choose one thing you are trying to manifest into your material experience — good health, a relationship, more money, friends, whatever. Spend 30 seconds resting for these things: “I am resting for the friends I am about to meet now; I am resting for my bank account now; I am resting for my good luck now.” As simple as this exercise obviously is, I have been flabbergasted by how powerful its effects can be. Whatever it is you hope to attract, add a little extra twist by resting rather than forcing the result.                    ~Martha Beck
While Martha is talking about intentional resting to manifest what we want, I’m also finding this principle to be especially useful when I have a leadership decision to make, or a thorny situation to address.

First, let's look at what Active Resting isn't.

What "Active Resting" is Not

  • Active resting is not avoiding or ignoring
  • Active resting is not pushing away worry or thoughts about the problem
  • Active resting is not being passive
 
Active Resting is a proactive choice.

Active Resting is consciously saying to yourself, “For this moment (or 30 minutes, or this day) I am choosing to actively rest from this question or problem.”
 
In doing this, I open myself up to trust. I am trusting that I will know what I need to do when the time comes. I am trusting that this problem has its own wisdom or magic that needs to do its work apart from my attention.
 
What is magic about this?
  • Active resting helps me wrap my head around the concept of “surrender” and allows the Universe and other forces beyond me to do their work.
  • Active resting loosens the grip on my unhelpful and unrealistic need to try to control the situation or other people (as if!).
  • Active resting shifts my mind into a place of peace, which is where my best ideas always originate.
  • Active resting creates space in my mind, heart, and body for wisdom and intuition to come through.
 
Hint: Wisdom and intuition almost never arise because of forceful interrogation or pushing.

Wisdom and intuition arise when we create open and receptive space within ourselves for them to arise.
 
Active resting also has this added benefit: It enables me to be present with what I’m doing right now, rather than having distracting thoughts and worry about this dilemma drag on my mind.
 
It takes a lot of energy to keep worry at bay—it’s like trying to keep multiple beach balls under water at once.

You don't need to waste your precious energy doing that, Dearheart!

Try This:

  1. Pause and acknowledge the problem/dilemma/question.
  2. Now, take 3 deep breaths and ask yourself, “Is any action required right now, in this minute?” (I find that usually the answer is no. If the answer is yes, then ask yourself, “What is the next right action to take?” Then do that.)
  3. If the answer is no, then try this. Tell yourself, “For the next 30 seconds (minutes, days) I choose to actively rest from this problem. I trust that wisdom will come.”
  4. Notice the feeling of spaciousness that opens up in your mind and body. (Ever notice how tight trying to control things feels?)
  5. Now, watch for a shift to occur in the situation and/or people involved, including you. Watch for your own wisdom to arise.

Letting go of the unrealistic need to control things opens up more room for everyone involved to take right action. You only need to take YOUR right action, love.
 
Xoxo,
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P.S. And heck, if you need something to do while you rest, you should probably just dance for a while. Kiko Bun is here to help you lighten up about your "Sticky Situation." 

Enough Love

2/14/2014

 
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There I was, having a moment of fear and insecurity in my relationship. Even in this most loving and trustworthy of relationships, I still have those moments. I "knew" it really had nothing to do with my sweetheart and everything to do with me. 

But nevertheless, there it was. Not going away.

I don't know about you, but I have a whole bag of tricks for situations like this. Push it away. Make the other person wrong. Try to talk myself out of it. Stuff it. Yeah, THOSE work real well. Not going away.

This time, I tried something different. I tried what Martha Beck calls "
learning to avoid avoidance." I allowed myself to feel it. I paused and breathed. I noticed what the fear and insecurity felt like in my body - heavy and thick and tight in my chest. I kept breathing. Not trying to fix it or make it change, just noticing. Just feeling and breathing. Staying with it.

And you know what? After a minute or two I felt it loosen, my
self loosen. I opened up, and in that opening, this little gem dropped in like a big juicy raindrop:

"There will always be enough love in the Universe for me."

Whoosh. The scary emotions dissipated, and in their place was a deep, centered knowing. A knowing that no matter what happens in this relationship, that friendship, this human encounter, there is
enough love in the world for me. 

That was the message I needed to hear in that moment. I don't know why it made such a big difference, but it did. Maybe it speaks to you. Maybe it doesn't. You need the message that will speak to
you.

Here's the point, Love. When I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, to quit pushing it away, to breathe into it with compassion, I created the space for my own inner wisdom to speak to me. 

When you honor your own beautiful soul, I believe it will speak you, too, with just the message you need to hear right now. 

Give it a try. And let me know what happens in the comments below.


Smart Cookie: 5 Ways to Be Your Own Best Valentine

2/14/2014

 
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Ah, Valentine's Day. Love, passion, amore! Or maybe not... 

Maybe there's not a "special someone" in your life. Maybe that special someone has just departed your life. Maybe that special someone forgot. Maybe he or she didn't celebrate love quite the way you'd been hoping.


It can be a week/day/month fraught with anxiety, distress, let downs, unfulfilled longings. 

That's why I like to be my own best Valentine. 

What does that look like? It looks like doing things for yourself that nourish you. That nurture you. That let you know that YOU are special and worth doing something extravagant for. Extravagant doesn't have to mean money - it may mean attention, time, feeling. 

Looking back on my life, these are 5 ways I have been my own best Valentine (whether it's Valentine's Day or not).

1. Choose to be Your Valentine. Decide to Like You. I'm in 7th grade. I have just moved from a small school in a big city to a big school in a very small town (it served the entire county). I'm the new kid, on the outside looking in. I remember the distinct moment when I think, "This is junior high. I can't count on anyone else to like me. It's up to me to like me." Since that day, there have been many, many moments when I've told myself, "It's up to me to like me. I choose you, Girl."

2. Plan a Gal-entines Party. It's my senior year in high school. I'm tall with nobby knees. A tomboy and a preacher's daughter. A late bloomer shall we say. I had good buddies, but no one asked me to prom. And I ached to go. First, I took time to feel it. That helped. Then the coolest thing happened. Some amazing young women in my class invited me on a girls' trip to Casper, Wyo (that was the big city!) on Prom Saturday. Road trip! We shopped, we laughed, we shared, and we took ourselves out to dinner. Spend time with dear friends and treat yourself like you're special, brilliant, beautiful, worth spending time with. Because the truth is you are, Dearheart.

3. Send a Friend-o-Tine. Text a friend. Send a card to a sibling. Call a dear one and tell them you love them. Tell them something you love about them. Did someone do something you appreciate? Tell them. Why? Because kindness feels good.

4. Do Something Extravagantly Romantic for Yourself. I'm in my 30s and it's Valentine's week. It turns out the guy I hoping was "the one" wasn't. There was a young poet in my town who would write personalized poems for $5 at the farmers' market. I decided to commission a love poem for myself. I told him, "Ben, this week I need a $20 poem." What he created for me was exquisite.

Maybe you don't have a poet readily at hand. What would feel romantic to you? Buy yourself flowers? Take time to savor a good book? Take yourself for a walk in the woods? Listen to a Valentine's blessing from Magpie Girl. 

5. Make Yourself a Valentine. Even now, with a sweetie who fits me to a T, I still do romantic things for myself. Here's the Valentine I gave myself this week. I guess it's become a habit to do loving things for myself. Plus, it just feels good to play with markers and crayons and scissors and glue. (Noticing a theme here? Do something that feels good!)


How about you? I can't wait to hear from you! What are some of the things you've done to be your own best Valentine? Let me know in the comments below!


Waiting to Exhale

11/5/2013

 
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Meditative doodle by moi, Katie Bagby
Movement and stillness. The in breath and the out breath. The most natural of rhythms. 

And yet...when was the last time you were truly still? 

When was the last time you exhaled?

Maybe you've been running around inhaling all of the time. Holding onto your breath and trying to inhale just a little bit more. Doing just one more thing. Taking on just one more project. Saying yes to just one more friend. Saying you'll help with just one more good cause. All good things. Really. And yet... 

I don't remember who said it, but I've always liked this quote: "I don't care if you always inhale or always exhale, either way you're dead." 

When was the last time you allowed yourself a big old exhale?

The exhale. It releases toxins. It relaxes the body. It calms the mind. It stabilizes your core muscles (and the core of your life). It allows you to let go. It makes room for a big, nourishing, effortless inhale. It makes room for what wants to happen next.

Today, I'm pausing to exhale. And you know what I'm noticing? The inhale naturally follows. Creative energy starts to bubble up. A joyful desire to move is wending it's way through my body (Helloooo, brisk walk! I'm on my way!). 

I love this quote from my teacher Martha Beck in an interview at Oprah.com about the quickest legal route to joy: "Rest until you feel like playing, then play until you feel like resting, period. Never do anything else." 

And for Martha (and me and you!), the idea is that you love what you're doing so much, that it all feels like play.

Inhale and exhale. Play and rest. Movement and stillness. Each nourishes the other. Each is essential to authentic, full-bodied living. Plus, it's sooo much better than being dead.

Stop waiting to exhale, dear one. Now is a perfect moment. The next inhale will come on its own. Promise.

Let me know how it goes in the comments below!

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